Those words belong to Antoanela Andonescu, affectionately known as "Coca." A geriatric nurse by profession, Coca left her small hometown of Bicaz, nestled in eastern Romania, to live and work abroad. Her deeply personal journey is featured in a Deutsche Welle (DW) documentary titled "Homesick," which originally aired on June 26, 2026.
Coca’s poignant reflection captures a silent, widespread reality experienced by thousands of Romanians and millions of people around the globe. When individuals are forced to leave their homelands due to circumstances entirely beyond their control, they frequently leave a vital part of themselves behind.
This psychological phenomenon echoes the sentiment of a Syrian student interviewed in a separate academic study, who remarked, "I am still in Syria. My soul is there." For people on the move, physical relocation does not guarantee a clean break. According to Coca, whenever she had a moment of free time or found herself alone, her thoughts inevitably drifted back to the familiar streets and landscapes of Bicaz.
Such persistent mental exercises—constantly re-experiencing a hometown, including family members, significant events, ambient sounds, familiar sights, and distinct smells—are often utilized by migrants to find solace and alleviate a crushing sense of loss. However, this coping mechanism can become a trap, locking individuals into a psychological condition known as cognitive immobility. Over time, this state can give rise to profound sadness, persistent crying, and a host of other serious mental and physical health issues.
When They Left Romania, Their Souls Remained
According to the documentary, a severe economic crisis swept across Romania, triggering mass layoffs, soaring unemployment, and widespread financial hardship. When the nation subsequently joined the European Union, a wave of migration followed as citizens sought stability abroad. This mass exodus included young people, among them Coca and her two sisters. Yet, despite the financial necessity of her departure, Coca’s heart remained anchored in her homeland. She left because she had no other choice, driven by constraints beyond her personal control.
As migration scholar Olumba observed in a 2023 study, "Because of constraints and circumstances beyond people’s control, they may engage in physical migration or departure from a location without engaging in mental migration or departure at the same time, resulting in mental immobility."
Leaving Bicaz felt to Coca like something entirely outside her agency, and the moment she departed, her soul stayed behind. Her migration trajectory initially took her to Turkey. During this period, she likely experienced the first stage of cognitive immobility: the awareness and separation state. This phase is characterized by an intense, overwhelming wish that the migration had never happened. Migrants find themselves unable to stop mentally re-experiencing the people, sounds, and smells of home whenever they are alone.
This internal turmoil is perfectly encapsulated by Coca’s recollection: "In my free time, I could think of nothing but home. Even while caring for my baby, my thoughts were always on returning home."
During her time in Turkey, Coca’s daily life was defined by relentless work and strict saving. Her ultimate objective was singular: to return to her hometown bearing gifts, clothes, and tokens of affection for her nieces and other family members, keeping only the bare essentials for herself. Her entire existence abroad was filtered through the lens of earning enough resources to finance these emotional reconnections with her hometown.
It was during this phase that Coca may have entered what researchers term the retrieval stage. This is a critical juncture where a migrant becomes convinced that returning home, even temporarily, will alleviate the severe longing and crushing sense of loss experienced abroad—often without realizing that short-term return visits cannot permanently cure the underlying psychological suffering. According to specialized literature on the subject, the retrieval stage can represent the most turbulent and emotionally severe period for individuals grappling with cognitive immobility.
The DW documentary also documented the lived experiences of other Romanians who relocated to the Ostia region near Rome. During a communal gathering around a long table shared over a meal, a young woman who had visited her family members in Italy was asked whether she ever considered moving there permanently. She adamantly rejected the idea, breaking down in tears as she explained her position.
"I cannot go to a country that took the person I love most away from me. I do not like it here; I can not fit in here. I would rather stay in Romania and struggle; it is better to stay in Romania than come here and not feel like myself," she said, wiping tears from her eyes.
The emotional weight of her words underscores the severe difficulty faced by individuals who feel compelled to leave their hometowns for unfamiliar foreign environments where they may feel unwanted or alienated. This young woman was steadfast in her belief that she could never truly feel like herself in Italy, harboring a deep-seated fear that physical removal from Romania would permanently fracture her identity.
Another Romanian woman featured in the documentary shared harrowing memories of their initial arrival in Italy, where they were forced to live at a local train station while desperately searching for work and shelter. As she recounted those difficult days, she laughed—perhaps reflecting a bittersweet nostalgia for a time that, despite its immense hardship, was now part of her journey. Yet, she openly admitted that she missed every single aspect of her hometown while living in Italy.
Describing the agonizing cycle of returning home for visits, she shared: "Every time we go back to our country, it is painful for us. Because for years we have been saying over and over again that [it’s] ‘just one more year’. We say we will stay one more year and then come back. But then we cannot bring ourselves to take that step; we stay. It is very painful, especially saying goodbye, when you just cannot stop crying."
This perpetual cycle can be overwhelming for anyone caught in its grip. The woman desperately wished to return home for good, but circumstances continually interfered with her plans. Every trip back to her roots in Romania was followed by the excruciating pain of departure, triggering tears that are characteristic of cognitive immobility. People weep because they mourn the loss of familiar sights, sounds, interpersonal connections, traditional foods, distinct smells, and a known way of life, only to be thrust back into an alien environment to which they have never fully adapted.
Finding Stability and the Path Forward
Today, Coca’s story has taken a full circle. She now runs a care home in her native Bicaz, dedicating her time and energy to serving her local community. Among the residents under her care is her elderly father, who previously worked in one of the local factories before the regional industrial collapse upended their lives. Her sister has also returned to Romania to join her in this endeavor.
Psychologically, Coca appears to have reached the stabilization stage of cognitive immobility. She is no longer trapped in a desperate attempt to recover what was irrevocably lost in the past; instead, she is actively constructing new value and meaning in the place she has always called home.
By providing comfort and professional care to local residents, including her own father, Coca is simultaneously healing herself. In doing so, she serves as a powerful inspiration for other expatriates who harbor secret longings to return to their roots. Anyone who has ever been forced to leave their hometown can intimately understand the profound, lingering pain of wishing they had never packed their bags in the first place.
While Coca and her sister successfully managed the arduous journey back, such a resolution remains out of reach for many. For countless others, home has become an impossibility—too distant, unsafe, altered beyond recognition, or entirely vanished in the form preserved in their memories. Addressing the complex challenges of cognitive immobility requires finding a way to honor and maintain a healthy connection to what was lost, ensuring that past grief does not entirely overshadow the realities of the present.
